Depression? Real or Imagined?

 Well, the first half of my life I would have said "Imagined".  Now, I say "Real".  Have you ever felt like the world just kept on going and you weren't ready for the rotation to happen.  That the darkness seemed so real, that the color of all things beautiful faded? Even the thoughts that are "Taboo" actually enter your head, the thoughts that you are so afraid to speak for fear someone would lock you up at the "Loony" ward.

 Yes, that my friend is Depression, it is real to those who are experiencing it.  For many years I would see friends or loved ones who were overcoming tragedy, they would sit in that lost gaze, skip showers, withdraw from activity.

I Felt that way not in the beginning, but most definitely after.  In the beginning I had no clue of what was ahead of me, I had to be the cheerleader the leader of the band.  Keeping moral high and focused on the prize, of survival.  My natural instincts kicked in and I did what I did to make it to the next minute, with small children underfoot and being the sole caregiver to all is was a challenge.  I allowed in- laws to play a role, friends to help with many things.  But, when the sun set and the wolves would howl, I too would melt into my pillow or let the water from the bath muffle my tears, tears of feeling helpless.  There was no" fix it" man to go to, all "Hail Marys" were thrown and landed on the ground. It was me and the clock...tick tock...it was deafening.

I learned compassion for those who suffer the awful, dreadful, feared "depression".  Real it is and now I was facing that sick pit in your stomach ache.  Lost at sea with no compass, no stars and no wind.  Alone, is what I felt.  No waves to break the silence.  Just a massive sea of darkness and not even my baby angles could pull me from my despair.  To me it felt like it would never get better that sleeping brought me one day closer to Geoff, like that was some answer and comfort.  I still take my long naps and sleep deeply dreaming sometimes of him so vividly.  As the years pass, He (Geoff) will forever be 44, I age and so do my children, but pictures and dreams keep him youthful.  It is like a movie when you see yourself aging and him forever held in eternity young and handsome.


*The above song reminds me of when Harrison was about 3 1/2 to 4.  He came in so serious as he still is and says "Mama" can we get some tickets for the airplane? I said why, he said so we can go to Heaven and see Daddy!  His innocent little face with those Big Blue eyes will forever be a memory I cherish...and yes if Heaven wasn't so far away, I would pack up the kids and go for the day!