What can I say? Nearly 13 years after the "Interruption"....I, on certain days still feel the rumbling of pain course through my soul. Having our anniversary so close to Thanksgiving, and sometimes it falls smack on that day of "Thanks". I get through the day without too many tears, but randomly they fall. I swallow the hurt and continue on...You are etched in my heart, heavy it weighs but grateful as well.
Can you hear my thoughts, feel my pain? life has gone on, I have faced the horrific job of seeing my youngest endure great loss and search for finding himself. Many changes have occurred in the past year. My daughter has moved away and found a "Life"...The everyday calls have turned to weekly, now to monthly, but that doesn't make me sad...it actually makes me "Smile". It is a reminder that my job as MOM was done well. She doesn't need to attach herself to me, I am not her "Tether"...She is grounded, self sufficient and relies on her own compasses.
My Son is fairing well, we have had an adventure this year...He has matured and has had to work hard on accepting the cards he was dealt. He doesn't seek to blame, but to understand how all of us are so different, what affects one does not another. What people hold as important, others can live without.
I too have found myself "Pulling Back", searching to find where I fit in and where I do not. My soul aches at "Gossip". In the ingenuous....I can admit I have been guilty of both. I want to learn to hold my tongue and pass less judgment and try more understanding. If that means I sit out and avoid, then I will most likely find myself with fewer friends, but that is okay.
I find motivation lately trying at best....I get spurts of energy that arrive at the most curious of times, and then like a shooting star, it dissipates and I find myself; thinking more then doing.
I lay resting and hear my heartbeat, I feel it pump blood into my veins and I know I was left here for some purpose, from time to time it is revealed. But, for now I wait wondering just what impact I will have in the upcoming days....T
How many of us hear people say, "I can't wait until they are out of the house"? (meaning the children)
During trying times (the teen years), that is any parents feelings and response to a rough patch. Honestly, who has kids just to hurry up and blow through these precious fleeting moments. Moments, because when you look at it, did you "Blink" and now those babies are either flown from the "Nest" or nearing the edge.
You ask yourself, did I do everything I could? Love enough? Understand enough? Listen? Did I not just tell them, but did I demonstrate how much I love them. When the world shows it's colors, did I give them the strength to endure. But, most of all did I teach them that it is okay to be "Them"? Unaltered just themselves.
Watching and talking with my friend, I could feel her heart full of emotion. Tears welling up, and feeling those feelings of excitement and "I am not ready for this to be over". We know it isn't over in the sense of being a parent. The general void of the familiar will be no more. The house we are accustom too, filled with our children's friends. Rooms that held our sleeping cherubs turned into offices or craft rooms. Hearing them say "there is nothing to eat", "where are my shoes", "can I do it later". And my favorite; "love you too"...
Call me a weirdo, but I was and am in no hurry for them to "Get a Life"...maybe I am ready because when I "Got a life", those fledglings became my life. So, the cycle begins...family. It grows, evolves and is...
So, "Blink" if you must. Remember to listen more than you talk, forgive and encourage. Most of all HUG your kids, and HUG your kids friends cause many of them haven't had one in a very long time...
If you are one of the above mentioned parents that measures your success as a parent in knowing that your child, can call no matter what. Be who they were designed to be. Happy and treat others the way they want to be treated? Then job well done...smile cause it happened, not that it is over...
Milestones...are approaching and my heart again is full of sadness. A river flows from my eyes so salty, I am sure it is more ocean tears. Our Hara turned 19 this past weekend and our 20th anniversary would have fallen on this Thanksgiving...I feel cheated, frustrated and although I am not alone, I feel lonely. Inside, I try and smile but pressing on my heart is the fact that I am profoundly sad. I should have the gift of celebrating a life rich and full with Geoff. God decided that I had a different road I needed to take, and at times I am just not okay with that decision...There are plenty of Angels in Heaven, I just wish he didn't have to go. God give me a moment's "Grace" cause it probably wouldn't be this way...
It has been a few weeks, but felt like I needed to address this comment from an "Outsider"...
"How long are you gonna ride this pony?" in reference to the lingering pain I still feel due to Geoff's passing.
I thought long and hard about that comment, and I know it was just calling my attention to live in the present. I sometimes do recognize that I keep one foot in the past and one in the present. I feel as if I am betraying the Love I chose, by closing that door. Honestly, it brings me comfort and peace to remember.
I mean honestly, If I didn't use the loss as a way to heal and help others, then what was the purpose. I find that if I open up to those who are traveling down this road it helps to lessen the blow. I have had the opportunity to meet and connect with people from all over the country that "Get" me.
So, my response is as long as I can get my A*# on that Pony, I am gonna ride the heck out of it. If someone wants me to open those wounds and share, then I will. Acting as if it never happened is tragic, life is full of experiences, both good and bad. So, saddle up and Yeeehawwww!
Update, Dan is doing much better. That doesn't mean we are out of the woods! I think we will now become official "Forrest Dwellers". Remember this isn't our first Forrest Fire, Dan's stroke 5 years ago was a huge wake up call, and an opportunity to build lifelong memories. This last stroke caught us all off guard.
Kelly, is conflicted like all moms who have children and are being caregiver to their mate. It is natural to not want to leave your spouses/significant others side. I am sure I was judged harshly for choosing to be 24/7 with Geoff. In my mind, I understood the gravity of his illness, just as Kelly does Dan. My dad is an amazing Grandfather, although strict at times, he loves all of his grand kids and is willing to do whatever it takes in order for Dan to recover. When he is watching the kids, Kelly can focus on Dan and know that the Boy's are completely safe. That is a lot when other stresses are pressing.
This is one of those times when your "Mommy" instincts kick in and you do what you need to. Support a friend or family member dealing with this kind of pressure. Ask to take the kids overnight, go the extra mile. You just may one day be facing something this horrific and need to call on family and friends.
People often ask what can I do? Give them something to do! It isn't rude, if they offer.
Kelly; keep your head up and eyes forward. We are all gonna look back and be grateful...
This past Monday was a "Shocker". Last weekend I spent the weekend with my brother and he was being his normal fun loving self. 5 years ago he suffered a massive stroke, we were all so blessed to have him with us. A month after that horrible nightmare, Dan and Kelly had created life again, that following December our family was blessed with "Baby Jack".
The next few years were filled with many great milestones, Kelly graduated Nursing School, and created a beautiful home for him. She has been the perfect example of wife and mother. Keeping it together with a career and small children and caring for Dan is to be applauded. They have traveled to many exciting places, Nascar, Disney-Multiple times. The beach and the list goes on. They have lived a life rich and full. Dan has had the gift of being Mr. Mom.
On occasions my dad will come and be with the boys and love on my brother. My brother is so strong, you would never know he has struggled with a Stroke, He has never skipped a beat. Dan has never complained, he loves his family and our "Small" town. People from home, still rally together when one of their own is down. They gather the "family" of friends and reach out to help. We are lucky to have been raised in what I call my "Hick" Town. I say "Hick" with the most loving intention. It is where I grew up and still call "Home".
Last Monday he suffered another Stoke, we are all gathered around him. Continue lifting he and his family in prayer. It is touch and go and as Kelly says; a "balancing act". When we are headed one direction, naturally his body goes the other direction! Ugghhh...We are all patiently waiting for God and Dan to do the tough work we know they both can do. Friends show up and Dan is responsive and grateful. He tends to do better with short visits, but the love and caring makes him stronger. I pray that he continue to heal and return to his family and oursmall town USA...
Brother, rest well and heal your body. We all love you....
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