Checking out or Auto pilot?

Today, I was speaking to a group of women friends in regards to the attempt to get out the words of healing the heart. I am trying to honestly look back at those days of juggling my loss and being available to my kids.  My friend said that from her perspective "I checked out", I quietly sat there and allowed her to have her opinion, while my other friend who to was being reminded of her loss and her too "checking out".  She defended her position, by saying she disagreed.  My friend restated that she was talking about emotionally checking out versus physically checking out.  Referencing that when she was a small child she lost her father and that during her adult life, she was prone to witnessing the feelings of those who have lost a parent.  I couldn't agree more with her ability to observe those who have suffered a loss of a parent.  I find it hard to identify because both of my parents are still alive.  I do however believe that my children's emotional well being was and is my main focus.  I admit, I could not identify with what my kids were going through, but I did know that the loss they suffered could not be filled without acknowledging the loss.  I kept the lines open and allowed them to have their experience.  Trust me I don't pretend to know the pain they feel.  I do know that I did require them to deal with the reality that life was unfair, but has to be faced.  Taking responsibility of the fact that "yes", there were times when the roles were reversed and my kids, especially Hara had to step in and be little Momma.  Do I regret that? Yes, she deserved to be a kid 100%, but there were days that I just couldn't get it together, do I make excuses? No, it is what it is.  I was living this nightmare, and so were they.  To judge me and to make me feel as if I was a sub par parent is not okay.  As I have said before grieving comes in many forms, everyone has a right to do it the way that works for them.  If the kids get hurt in the process, be sorry and apologize, don't dwell on what you could have, should have done.  As Oprah says," when you know better you do better."  Children are pretty forgiving, just be open and honest.  No kid wants to grow up any faster then they should, but if you like me have put that burden on our kids, just open your mouth and talk, apologize and then move on.  Don't beat yourself up over learning experiences. Who told you that your perfect world would be flipped upside down? Issues would arise and you would have to learn on your feet.  We can not all be perfect parents and have all of the answers that come in a text book.  When reality hits the books go out the window and you do what you do.  There will be as I said in my last post many who say what they would do...Good luck and let me know how you do when you face the Dragon.